Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chasing Rainbows


I didn't know she'd be passing through...
she arrived at the most perfect time.

In her backpack, she brought
healing herbs,
healing powers,
healing light.
She warmly shared her gifts with all those
who would agree,
she arrived at the most perfect time.

She did not know we would need her so,
but we did more than she will ever know.
Because of her we have LIFE!
A more beautiful life than before.

And as perfectly as she arrived, she as swiftly must go.
To bring her light to others who love and need her.

Though she rolls up her bedding, and heads for higher mountains,
her light will remain here forever.

We hope she will pass through again.
Until then we will wait... for the next lovely traveler.


I had to say a teary-eyed so long today to one of the wonderful nurses who has cared for me throughout my chemo, which by the way... I only have one more round of!  Unfortunately for us, she is a traveling nurse and she is now on her way to new adventures, and new patients... but we are so lucky to have had her here, (at the most perfect time), and we know she will bring light wherever life takes her.  She always knew the perfect thing to say, and her voice got me through many needles and difficult moments... even when she wasn't there.  "Don't get yourself more worried than you need to be sweetheart", she would say..."it only makes it harder".  I paraphrase, but I can't tell you how many times those words get me through.  Somehow she knew just the words I needed to hear, and now somehow I feel stronger. I am lucky to have so many other wonderful nurses as I continue my journey, but the warmth of this traveler's voice will never be far when I need it.

I made this little book mark for her, of leather, wooden beads, and paint.  It was inspired by a pair of Eeyore scrubs she wore that always made me smile.  They said, "I'm always chasing rainbows".  

Thank you to all my caregivers.

love, e

p.s.  No... my hair has not magically grown back long, awesome and straight.  (darn it!)  This is my awesome wig, from Tonkin's Wigs in Waterbury, CT.   (-:

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's Good to Laugh About It. And I'm Still a Girlie Girl.

Ok, so this is not my best look, 12am, exhausted, no make-up, wearing my favorite kitty clawed to bits T-shirt.  Even my lumpy little port is showing.  I actually can't even believe I am about to post this dreadful picture to the public, but hear it is.  It, like a thousand words, tells me a story when I look at it...although not the best photo (so I'll make it bubblegum pink to distract us all from that). 

My husband (he is the creepy looking guy behind me) (haha just kidding, he's so cute, i love him), is about to shave my head in this picture which was an extremely dreaded moment for me in this whole experience.  I was home alone a few weeks earlier when the first clumps of hair started coming out exactly 14 days in to my chemo.  I called my husband and tearfully said "it's time."  Busy at work, he stayed on the phone with me, until my tears were gone.  A few days later, he took me to the wig shop where the amazing woman who owns it helped me cut my braid off.  I cried, but by the time it was done I was laughing.  I was fine.   The buzz cut was even more difficult.  However, I was so blessed to have someone there, for both of these experiences,  to make me laugh, to tell me how beautiful I still am, and to help me to just do it with all the dignity in the world.  ooooh... i'm telling you, i did not want to do this.  I've had a major life-long love/hate relationship with my "unique", not straight, hair, and I had only recently learned to simply LOVE it... I knew I was lucky to have it,  it made me feel girlie, even on the rainiest, drizzle frizz days (not the gray though... did not love the gray).  Cutting it sucked, but not nearly as much as it would have sucked without my husband powering me through.

This person for me happened to be my husband (we look better in orange, yeah?), but it could have been a parent, a sister, a friend, a great hairdresser, an awesome wig lady, etc.... and it made all the difference.  I look at these photos, and find it hard to believe I could look so smiley, so at peace (although very tired), moments before doing what I was about to do.  'Will I still feel like me?  What if my head is shaped weird? Will I still feel feminine, at all?  I'm a delicate flower!  I need my hair!'

Most importantly, what I will always remember about my hair farewell, and many other dreaded moments, are the wonderful friends and family, doctors, nurses, volunteer workers, and some total strangers, that were there for me in those moments, making me laugh... deep belly laughs, giving me strength, and making me feel like myself during each step of this crazy head to toe body-transformation.  (I hope you find these lovely people surrounding you, in the moments when you need them.)

Many people like to tell you, "it will grow back".   Yup, it will.   In addition, I would like to think, "I will grow back."  "I will grow better".  "I already am"... with a little help from my friends... and a magical prince.  Rapunzel lives.

oh, and I will always be a Girlie Girl. 

love, e

Saturday, April 3, 2010


The cutest little confection appeared on my doorstep today.  All alone, gooey, sugary, stale, wrapped in plastic, laying on his side, spreading Easter cheer.   I thought about eating him for a moment, but he was much too cute to eat.  Besides, there are a lot of sickos out there.  I decided to take his picture instead.

Would you believe there is a Peep Fairy?  Well there is.  In my town, there is.  Weird.  

I suppose, even the Easter Bunny doesn't have job security these days.

Happy Easter.
love, e

Thursday, April 1, 2010